I had been feeling guilty about not spending enough time with some houseguests who were staying for the weekend. Being in their seventies, the couple was quite happy to chat with my mother who had also come over to meet them. I found their conversation quite boring, to be honest.

How could I engage with them in a meaningful way? I asked myself. I decided to chat with my uncle about his meditation experiences- which he is increasingly immersed in.

He started by asking: What would you like to know, and what have you gained from meditation so far?

What a good way of starting, I thought admiringly, as he would get an idea of the base-line, ie, where I was coming from.

Anxious to share my experience and show off my (minimal) knowledge, I eagerly explained.

When he started speaking, I resonated with some of his points, and wanted to jump in with my two bits too. But I soon realised that he wasn’t interested in hearing my views at all. So I shut up.

But then I found myself disagreeing over some of the smaller nuances. And I figured he wasn’t interested in that either.

And 15 minutes in the game, I was bored and impatient. I experienced him as pontificating and preaching, as he wagged his finger at me and warned me : ‘The objective of meditation should not be to benefit materially, but to seek the higher realms of spiritually’.

‘Com’on, I know that’, I thought agitatedly. This was so tedious.

I continued listening with a sense of being trapped. And suddenly the penny suddenly dropped.

My discomfort , my resistance was not with him, but with an inner part of me, which had got hooked to something which the man had.

I asked myself: What was happening to me? What was getting triggered inside to cause this reaction? Why had I got hooked?

For if he was lighting a matchstick (an external trigger), what was the combustible material (mixture of charcoal, sulphur, etc) inside me which provided the energy for the reaction?

I needed to deal with the combustible material and eliminate it, so that the next time there is no explosion.

And I realised that it was a part of me which had found resonance with a trait which I perceived in him. There are parts of ourselves which we put it away in dark corners, deny, run away from, and dislike. It is called the shadow part of us. But when we see it in another, it catches our attention just like the glint of sunlight being reflected by a piece of mirror.

Do you remember when we were children we played this game with a piece of mirror? We went to a terrace, and delighted in troubling a hapless victim by reflecting sunrays with the mirror, into their eyes which was sharp and bothersome. Similarly, when we are feeling the most irritated, it is time to reflect within us that we are mirroring the very characteristic which is disturbing us so much. The first clue is to recognize the feeling of irritation, at time revulsion and disgust too.

Carl Jung the psychologist was the first to identify this shadow that exists in each one of us- comprising of our negativity, judgmental nature, and our other secret peculiarities and struggles. Often we do not even allow our shadow to surface into our own consciousness but others may well see it. People who overpoweringly annoy us are usually mirroring our own shadows back to us. But it’s essential to acknowledge that the shadow exists, and to recognize and integrate it within ourselves, otherwise it will drag us down, block us, and will pop up at times of stress, resulting in unexpected and disruptive behaviours.

So a helpful takeaway?
When feeling passionately riled by someone, take a peek inside yourself, and ask ’what behaviour, trait or action of the other person is getting mirrored to me?’It’s hard and painful to acknowledge one’s own negative qualities, but oh so easy to see it in others.

Coming back to the conversation, I realised I too have a need to display my knowledge…to be known for my erudite ways, and to get approval and appreciation for it. And when I see another person displaying the same traits, my shadow self gets ‘hooked’. The moment I realised this, my impatience diminished, and I found the space in me to appreciate my Uncle’s explanation. And when I expressed my admiration of his knowledge, it wasn’t so much for his pleasure, but to take delight in my own freedom from my own dark shadow.

Recently I was at a conference where senior business men from the same industry were meeting to discuss government policy and business trends, and I was intrigued to witness a ‘strategy’ adopted by a smart CEO. He came in early in the morning- a few minutes before starting time. The conference room was empty of organizers, the round tables had been arranged with attendees’ name tents neatly placed on them. He surveyed the room, and then quietly and confidently changed his name plate (and a few others) to the table where prospective clients were sitting! He then went on to fully utilize the opportunity to chat and connect with these people who he had access to now. While he introduced himself, he was careful not to push his business. He concentrated on just building bridges to start with .

I was reminded of an anecdote narrated by David Ogilvy the famous advertising executive  who was described by Time magazine as ‘the most sought after wizard in today’s advertising industry” . When Ogilvy was once asked, ‘what do you attribute your success to?’ , he replied two things-  hard work, and  his ability to be a good salesman and smell prospective business.

When he started an advertising agency in New York, he joined a group called the Scottish Council. (Ogilvy’s father was a Scotsman) They were about 10 senior Scottish business executives who met to have lunch together once every two months. “I smelled billing, and I joined it. We’d talk about business and getting this and that for Scotland and so on.”

One of the members of the group was Max Burns, then the President of Shell. Ogilvy would at times gently maneuver the conversation during their lunch meetings to talk about advertising. But he didn’t push the subject. He connected with Burns on the subject of development in Scotland, which was dear to the latter’s heart.

One day Burns decided to fire his agency, J. Walter Thomson, who had worked for Shell for 30 years. Burns asked a committee to select the new agency from four candidates, amongst who Ogilvy and Mather was one.

The committee sent all the agencies a questionnaire with some 25 questions. “I never answered questionnaires, they irritated me. But this time I did.” Recounted Ogilvy, who stayed up all night drafting answers. “My answers were more candid than is customary, but I thought they would make a favorable impression on Max Burns, if only they were passed up to him. The next morning I learned that he had gone to England.”

Knowing that the real decision maker would be Max Burns and not the committee, Ogilvy flew to London from New York just to see Burns. He called Claridges where Burns was staying, and Burns didn’t return the call for ten days. “I was pretty desperate. Finally, the day before he left, he called me back. I said, Max, I’m having lunch at the House of Commons today with the Secretary of State for Scotland. Would you like to join us?”

So Ogilvy and Burns met, and as they walked back to Ogilvy’s hotel, it was pouring, and Ogilvy kept his lunch companion covered under his umbrella. In this walk, Ogilvy quickly briefed him of the key points he had made in responding to the questionnaire.

Ogilvy then went back to America, went on holiday, and forgot about it… then one day, the telephone rang, and it was Dr Monroe Spaght, (designated as the successor of Max Burns as President of Shell) to say that they had got the Shell account! Ogilvy was so stunned that all he could say was “God help me”.

Here are is an interesting story which illustrates how if one delays one’s reactions just for a moment, a lot of calamities can be avoided.

In nineteenth century India, when it was not unusual for children to be married off, a young girl was just getting used to her new, equally young partner. The immature bridegroom had no idea of the rights and role of a husband, so he bought some pamphlets containing chauvinistic advice to men to dominate their wives.  Thus informed, the boy called his wife and commanded, ‘Henceforth, you will not go out of this house without my permission.’

Doubtless the girl was taken aback at what was surely an absurd and capricious demand. But she resisted the temptation to sulk or fight back. She just nodded. She would find a solution which would send the right message, but without damaging the fledgling relationship.

A few days later, her lord and master realised that she had flouted his rule and gone out of the house to the temple and to the market, visiting friends and relatives. ‘How dare you disobey my orders?’ he sharply rebuked her that evening.

Answering with an even tone, the wise wife asked softly, ‘Who is senior in this house? Are you superior to your mother? Should I tell her that I will not go out with her until you give me permission? If that is what you want, let me know.’

This is the story of Mohandas Gandhi and Kasturba in the earliest days of their marriage. She was so calm and collected that Gandhi had no answer. It was his first lesson in non-violence! He never questioned her again.

Swami Dayananda Saraswati writes, ‘If I fail to choose my actions consciously and deliberately, but simply let them happen, they will be reactions, either impulsive reactions born of instincts, or mechanical reactions born of conditioning. In either case I have not exercised that special faculty that makes me human, namely choice of action based on rational thought.’

A reaction is born from an uncontrolled impulse, while a response is a thought out, wise, logical, and measured reply to a situation. In both the above examples, the individuals exercised self-restraint, leading to appropriate behaviours instead of knee-jerk reactions. When faced with a difficulty or an obstacle, we need to recognise that an impulsive reaction can lead to irrational, even destructive, action, which will not take us towards our goals; and access our good judgment, sanity and wisdom to ask ourselves the wisest objective for us to pursue, and what we need to do to reach there.

Assertiveness is the middle ground between aggression and passivity. It is about reasonable behaviour and finding solutions that suit both sides. Assertiveness means:

• Acknowledging your own feelings to yourself (“My boss gives me bits and pieces of tasks without total responsibility of the entire project, and I am feeling restless and unfulfilled”);
• Understanding you have a right to (professional) respect, at the same time owing respect to other person;
• Having a right to speak your mind and asking for what  you want;
• Being clear about what you want (which is reasonable and fair);
• Understanding it is up to you to give a best shot to manage an unsatisfactory situation;
• Communicating your point calmly, openly and confidently;
• Understanding what situations you can and can’t  change.

Typical assertive behaviours are:

• Stating our thoughts clearly and confidently, without making demands or belittling ourselves;
• Coping with justified criticism, and being able to give it when required in a considerate and balanced manner;
•  Body language consisting of:
  • Steady eye contact;
  • Open body posture (without crossed arms), sitting upright and relaxed,
  • Head held straight;
  • Appropriate facial expression –smiling when relaxed or satisfied, frowning when displeased;
• Making statements that are brief and to the point;
• Asking open-ended questions to get others’ views: “What do you think?” “What can we do to resolve this?”
• Being clear and direct by using ‘I’ statements, e.g. “I think”, “I want”, “I believe”.

In short, assertiveness is about being a more effective person.

Assertive behaviour doesn’t come naturally, and to practice it is not easy.  It is also important to accept that once in a while, when we goof up, that is, lose control and balance, it’s OK. After all, nobody is perfect, and to berate ourselves when a mistake is made is again bullying behaviour – here we are bullying ourselves! After learning our lesson, we have to forgive ourselves and move on.

Assertive behaviour is not very commonly seen. When we practice it, the other party could feel temporarily disconcerted. But remember, assertiveness is not about winning a popularity contest. If we are convinced our actions and words are fair (to ourselves and others), our self-respect and self-confidence will go up.

 
Previous post: Why do we get emotionally hijacked?

What are some of these typical work situations? When we need to:

1. Present an idea or suggestion
2. Clarify expectations and goals
3. Make a request or ask for resources
4. Disagree with the boss
5. Bring up any other difficult or sensitive issue bothering you.

 Why do we tend to stay quiet and push things under the rug?

There are several reasons why many of us choose not to speak up:

We expect the boss to be a mind reader

We tend to overlook a simple out obvious fact – the boss does not have a silicone chip in his brain, which can beam into ours and read our mind! We mistakenly assume that what is obvious to us should be obvious to him as well.

•  “Isn’t it his responsibility to give clear instructions and guidelines when he delegates a task to me? He should know with my two years’ experience I need more hand holding…”
• “Isn’t it obvious that we need XY equipment before this project can be completed?”
•  “ If the boss is not doing anything about it, it means he can’t or won’t”.

However unless you tell him about your ideas, challenges, problems, yes, even achievements, we will be working with shadows of assumptions – “I imagine the boss knows.”

We operate from an unquestioned assumption “I have no choice”

Sometimes it doesn’t even occur to us that we can speak up – in a frank and respectful manner. For one, there is an apprehension “Even if I speak, how do I handle the communication? I’m positive I’ll mess it up.” The fear could be based on a past negative experience with the same or a different boss, who growled at you or who never seemed to have the time to talk to you. It could also be based on assumptions: It will be considered improper to speak up. I will be misunderstood. There will be negative repercussions later.

We are afraid of accountability

Another reason is a fear to take the steering wheel of our lives in our own hands. To own responsibility means to admit that mistakes and failures (of not delivering, or missed promotion, or poor relationship with boss) have been contributed at least in part by me. It requires courage to accept it, and then a huge effort to rectify matters. Isn’t it easier to just close our eyes and take the support of a comforting pillow of laying blame on externals like… bad luck, office politics, inconsiderate boss, downturn in the economy, poor job market. …

What is passive behaviour?

A passive or submissive response is when people:

• Don’t speak up even when something is bothering them;
• Allow the problem gnaw and eat away their insides even as they fret and fume;
• Let themselves be pushed –they don’t check back on whether deadlines or project requirements can be negotiated or worked out;
• Assume others’ rights are more important than their own (“Who am I to say anything to the boss?”);
• Want to avoid conflict at all costs;
• Don’t honestly acknowledge their own needs and feelings

The passive style is adopted because we are brought up on a diet of don’ts: Don’t complain; Don’t make mistakes; Better let sleeping dogs lie, Don’t upset the apple cart; Don’t take risks; Don’t make others angry; Don’t question things. Obeying these rules avoids conflicts, but we pay a price – the price of reduced self – respect, personal unhappiness, and increased feelings of helplessness and lack of control.

Typical passive behaviours are:

• Hesitation in contributing own ideas, which are believed not to be of much value (or expressing them in a timid or apologetic manner);
• Having a constant hum of anxiety in the mind about too much work and pending assignments;
• Body language consisting of:
  • Evasive eye contact (looking down at feet to avoid expressing feelings)
  • Fidgeting nervously
  • Hesitant, over soft voice, often dull and monotonous
  • Hunching shoulders, arms crossed for protection;
• Use of tentative sounds/ phrases like “Uh Uh…”, throat clearing, “Hmmm…”, “sort of”, as well as expressions which convey diffidence like “Its not important really…” “It doesn’t matter…”

What is aggressive behaviour?

Aggressive behaviour is when people at the work place

• Are authoritarian and rarely listen to another point of view;
• Rigidly stick to their views without compromise;
• Push juniors into accepting impossible or unrealistic deadlines/ workloads;
• Want their own way even if it means trampling on others;
• Want a person or situation to be different from what it inherently is;
• Express thoughts, feelings or beliefs in unacceptable and unsuitable ways with the belief they are right.

Typical aggressive behaviours are:

• Putting others down (in front of colleagues), being condescending or showing disdain: “You must be joking”, “You must have been asleep when you prepared this…”
• Blaming other people or outside factors “It was your fault..”,  “You said…”;
• Manipulating to get own way;
• Body language consisting of:
• Staring or dominating eye contact;
• Sarcastic, cold, hard tone which is very firm, often shouting;
• Standing or striding around with head in air
• Fist thumping and finger pointing
• Eyebrows raised in incredulity or skepticism.

The aggressive style pushes people around without concern for their feelings. In the short term they get their own way, but in the long term nobody wants to be around them! It leaves others with feelings of being controlled, inadequate, embarrassed and losing power. Managers can lose respect of their subordinates, missing out on important ideas and information.  Another problem with aggressive behaviour is that it can also trigger an angry or hostile response from others, deteriorating the situation further. (So while aggressive behaviour is more commonly seen in the boss than the subordinate, occasionally a junior could react- by not following instructions or match rudeness for rudeness.)

A reactive reaction is an emotional hijack

Why is the Fight / Flight Response so common? 

Millions of years ago in prehistoric times, when man lived in caves and wilderness, to survive the aggression of beasts, humans and other elements, he had to attack back (fight) or hide and run (flight). Today, survival messages written in our genes haven’t been erased, and reaction patterns are the same when triggered by a situation creating anxiety. However this reactive reaction is no longer appropriate or helpful, and is called an emotional hijack. Man needs to teach himself to respond more rationally, to use his mind (and not his gut) to think, and then act. This is a proactive or assertive approach.

Next post: Communicating confidently with a tough boss.

The first thing that strikes you about Dilip Chhabria as he walks into the restaurant where we are meeting him for dinner is his utter ease with himself, as he laughingly explains why he wife couldn’t make it.

The legendry car designer, among the world’s most creative automobile designers, has under his belt  the Aston Martin designed for the James Bond film Die Another Day, vanity vans for  film stars like Ahmitabh Bacchan, Shah Rukh Khan, and Ajay Devgn, and vehicle modifications for political bigwigs like the top ruling family of India.  He carries no airs about himself, he is too focused on pushing the envelope of his own creativity and jumping conventional walls to be overwhelmed with his achievements or client list.

Emotional Intelligence has two main components:

Personal Competence (self-awareness and motivation), which enable congruence between what a person is experiencing internally with what is expressed outside. The ability to be your ‘natural self’ creates authenticity and trust.

Social Competence (empathy and ability to relate to others), which enable good listening and respect for others.

Dilip Chhabria is clearly one of the few creative mavericks who possess both in equal measure, which is apparent from the conversation that flows.

We are sorry to have missed your wife, the inspiration behind your creativity.

Oh no, its not my wife. (with a chuckle). You know, when I was young, I was dumped by my girlfriend, and it left in me an insecurity, from which arose a desire to prove myself to the world. That’s what drove me to leave my mark as a man, to create what no one could.

Wow. There is clearly a positive (productive) side of rejection!

Tell us about your new venture, the first Indian designed sports car which was unveiled at Auto Expo Delhi 2012

Well, from designing cars for people with deep pockets, we have come a long way. We have done buses, motorcycles and even helicopter interiors. In 1993, when we set up DC Design, the company had eight employees on its rolls and came out with just two cars. Today, we have over 500 people working for us, who churn out 250 unique cars a year. I thought it was time to move outside the zone of our comfort, and progress to designing a car from scratch, and making it available for the mass market.

The DC Avanti is a big deal for India considering that this is the first sports car to be made by an Indian firm. It will be released in the next two years, and we aim to make 200 cars a year to start with, increasing to 2000 cars a year in the longer run.

Your staff is known for their commitment – working 70 hours a week, resulting in quick project turnarounds with high quality deliverables. What is the secret to their motivation?

Do you know in the last 19 years since we started the business, not a single person has left DC Design, apart from some girls who left to get married, etc. I have personally groomed my people who understand the company ethos, our creative process, and  have grown to be independent division heads.

I push them and empower them to take their own decisions- whether it is the designing, or the colour of the car to be painted. There is a lot of mutual trust and respect, and I can say with confidence there is no mediocre performer in my team.  In 2005, an investor sent a team to study our people processes, towards helping us reduce costs, and I challenged them to find 3 mediocre performers, and they couldn’t find a single one!

Yet, retention of people I have trained remains a challenge. The Middle East offering hefty salaries is an undeniable attraction.

I believe in distributing wealth- we are paying four or five times that of Indian salaries. While our work environment offers excitement as we work in cutting edge design work, good salaries also communicate to employees their work is valued.

You are known for your prolific work, not only in creating automotive accessories, but also as an accomplished painter and sculptor. You have also started DYPDC Center for Automotive Research and Studies to nurture the next generation of Indian automotive designers. How do you find the time and bandwidth for all this creativity?

As I mentioned earlier, I used to be a very shy and introverted person, preferring to be by myself while others partied. This time I invested paid off in my having an indepth understanding of both engineering and art. But today, I would never go to a party, not because of being shy, but because I would much rather be spending the same time drawing or thinking or reading.

I have no interest in reading fiction or watching movies. Why should I allow anyone to hijack me with their imaginary world, when I can create my own?

Similarly, I would go to the extent to say that any person who drinks can never be successful or creative. Imagine wasting the time and psychic energy in first getting drunk, then in recovering from a hangover. If your work is an obsession, its not work, and you are at it 24/7.

You have a very relaxed and candid way of interacting, does ‘being nice’ get in the way of being a hard-nosed business man?

I find it much more comfortable to be completely transparent. Young people these days have a different way of doing business these days. They won’t take calls for example, which makes the caller insecure, which is leveraged while negotiating business terms. I don’t follow that style, as I find being totally transparent has its own benefits.

For instance, my staff knows exactly where I stand on things, and find it easier to take decisions along lines of my thinking. Moreover, it’s lonely at the top. I want people to like me, as that’s what keeps me going. If I am affected and artificial and not myself, how will they like me?

And flooring you with his disarming honesty, Dilip is off to catch his flight back to Poona from Gurgaon.

After the inaugural session when the Chief Guest and Guest of Honour had left, there was a tea break followed by a talk by Srikanth Surampudi, the Regional HR Head of one of the largest IT firms of the world on the ‘Role of HR in changing times’.

Unfortunately the packed hall (no doubt brought in by the presence of the Institute Head sitting on the dais with the other luminaries) has dissolved into the woodwork after the tea break. You won’t catch students (and perhaps faculty too) attending a ‘special address’ unless grades/life/graduation certificate is at stake. I was curious to see how this young, personable professional would handle the case of the dwindling audience.

I was reminded of another occasion a month ago when I attended a book release by an Eminent Author at a large bookstore. Unfortunately, as the writer lived in a different city, he had left it to the store management to generate publicity for the event. The outlet had sent out mailers to their customer list, but that’s leaving things to chance, and chance brought in a total of four women including me. The author was upset at this sparse attendance. He started his talk by remarking somewhat acidly: ‘if a Daler Mehndi were to be coming, people will eagerly come, but no one is interested in books…today’s young are ambitious, but frivolous. How can people be so uncaring of such good opportunities? They don’t know what they are missing…’.

You get the drift.

If his rant would have brought in more people, it would have served a purpose, but it didn’t. So Rule one: don’t make negative or caustic remarks, it only shows you in a pitiable light.

Rule two: Don’t allow the situation to put you down. If an inner voice in your head whispers: ‘Gee, this is so embarrassing, that people don’t want to hear me because I’m a nobody’, you are sure to feel de-energised. Because at times of stress, the inner voice speaks from old fears embedded into our heads, and offers a distorted perspective of reality. The truth is probably closer to ‘This attendance has nothing to do with me or my stature. People have their own priorities, and that’s fine. Let me make the best of the opportunity to connect with whoever is here, and enjoy it.’

So what did Srikanth do? He addressed the situation firmly and pleasantly. Commenting matter of factly: ‘I would ideally like more students to attend this session, they will benefit from it as I will talk about the future of HR. In the meanwhile, I will share some interesting information about our company while more members arrive’.

As he chatted amicably and kept the audience engaged, his tactful message had the effect. Messages were sent to the missing students who hastily arrived, to benefit from a very relevant and useful presentation.

If no other participants come to the room within 5-10 minutes while you are talking with attendees, you could say, ‘This is a great opportunity to have a closer and informal interaction with each other, rather than a one-way communication. Why don’t you all come up front’. You could even change the format and say, ‘ I think we’ll dispense with the screen and my formal presentation’, re-arrange a few chairs in a semi-circular pattern near the podium, sit in the center chair and say, ‘I’d prefer to share this information with you informally.’ You must be able to shift gears to have a more conversational interaction than a presentation.

Here is an interesting story of how Franz Liszt, the Hungarian composer and pianist handled a similar situation. Liszt was announced to give two recitals on successive evenings in a small German town. At the first concert only a handful of people were present. ‘Instead of showing annoyance with those who did come’, wrote Sir Charles Stanford, the famous English composer in his book Pages from an Unwritten Diary , ‘as is usual with human- kind, he made a little speech, saying, that the room was very large and cold for so small a gathering, that he had an excellent instrument in his sitting-room at the hotel, where everyone would be more comfortable, and if they would do him the pleasure to come round there in half an hour when he had arranged for their reception, he would play them his program. They came and he provided them also with a champagne supper. At the next concert crowds were turned away at the doors, but there was no champagne.’

Interviewers often ask this question at the start of an interview. Or ‘’Walk me through your résumé’.
This is a fuzzy question, and can disorient the interviewee if he is not prepared. Don’t gasp for help “Ummmm…what aspect exactly do you want me to talk about?’ Plunge in and cope.

1. The purpose of the question
There are several reasons why this question is asked:

• It checks your ability to assimilate data and present the salient points. From the mass of information presented in your bio-data, do you have the perspective of picking up the key milestones? You can use this to your advantage by mentioning those areas where you are the strongest.
• The interviewer wants to go beyond the resume, and get a sense of what you are, what drives you. Resumes use ‘cut and paste’ language, and the idea is to know the ‘real you’.
• The reality is that the recruiter may not have had the time to read (or reread) the resume just before you step into the interview room, and looks for a quick refresher. He uses the opportunity to pick on a particular area and take it forward subsequently.

The importance of the question
• It forms the first impression, and gives you an opportunity to steer the interview in the direction most comfortable to you.

Dos and Don’ts
• Keep it brief. This is an opening conversation, and not the entire interview. Some candidates tend to ramble and mention every bullet point of their resume into this response, which ensures that in the first 5 minutes, the interviewer has lost interest.
• Prepare your answer in advance; this will avoid providing a clumsy and scattered response at the spur of the moment.
• Scrutinize the position you are applying for. Mention only those aspects which are relevant from a career prospect (Do not for example say I like dancing and music, hanging out with friends, make friends easily, etc)

Example:
Start with a brief personal background. (I grew up in the small town of ……, where I lived for 17 years. My father is in government service/ school teacher/ business, etc.)
I was excited to come to BITS / IIT/ your college…many opportunities to explore
In your institute…what were your key interests, strengths you discovered…. (you could structure it into subsections of : academics, internship projects, sports, positions of responsibility you have held)

2. The Preparation

You have a diversity of skills, abilities and attributes. But to be able to present and articulate them will require introspection. Preparation is based on having a clear sense of who you are and what you have accomplished, as well as what you are accomplishing right at this moment. It depends on your skills on communicating what makes you unique and interesting in the eyes of those you want to impress.

Take stock of your strengths and successes. Think about and answer these questions:

• Can you name five of your most important achievements? Think along the lines of
 Initiated a project or got an internship assignment
 Handled a difficult situation
 Persuaded someone/ group of people to come around your way of thinking
 Managed an event
 Handled a difficult project/ challenge
• How does your achievements and projects show your unique strengths?
• Why did you choose to do what you are doing?

Though it is well known that a crisp and concise answer is preferable to lengthy and vague ramblings, many of us are unable to apply this principle in interview situations partly due to nervousness and stress but mostly due to lack of clarity on what future employers really want to hear. Hence, we end up reciting a whole laundry list of thoughts/achievements/experiences, hoping some of them will be relevant to the interviewer. The final result? The interviewer is likely to be put off with your digressions, and your talents and qualities won’t register in his mind.

Make sure that your experiences, traits, skills, etc make a mark on the recruiter even after the interview. Write down your skills on a paper. Practice in front of the mirror or with friends. Keeping some standard answer is perfectly fine but make sure that they do not sound rehearsed.

3. Examples of attributes which the interviewer looks for:
Break Through Thinking
Customer Centricity
Collaboration
Influencing Outcomes
People Development
People Leadership
Drive for Excellence
Academic Knowledge
Application of theoretical knowledge
Knowledge of ….. Sector (telecom/ construction/ cement etc)
Communication Skills
Career/ Personal-goals. Long term vision

Earlier, I wrote about the importance of Choosing Your Battles to Win the War: You need to ignore the small stuff— minor setbacks, obstacles and conflicts; so that you focus your energies for the big kill.

Every day brings situations when we might feel offended, angry, provoked or insulted. Reacting to these means challenging others’ decisions, voicing disagreement, or storing feelings of hurt. If we respond to every one of these instances, we will end up feeling irritable and exhausted, leaving little mental space and stamina for the pursuit of our goals. In addition, we will make ourselves disagreeable and difficult team members whom no one will welcome or want.

We need to let go of minor dissonances, to effectively tackle the issues which really matter.

In an interview Fauja Singh the first 100 year old to complete a marathon (the Toronto Waterfront Marathon) said: ‘Why worry about these small, small things? I don’t stress’.

Here is the story of a man who spent many years of his life fighting exhausting legal battles at a great cost. In this obsessive pursuit, he lost his peace of mind, his family, and his potential for further productive work. When he finally retired, after winning millions of dollars in lawsuits (though a large part of it went to pay legal fees), he was still unhappy and discontented. He wanted to file even more cases against the automobile companies he had fought with all his life.

Robert Kearns was the inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper system, used on most automobiles 1969 onwards. The device is now installed worldwide on an estimated twenty million cars annually.

A former mechanical engineering professor, Kearns had damaged vision in one eye from a champagne cork that accidentally hit his right eye on his wedding night. Years later, when he was driving through rain, the constant movement of the wiper blades irritated his troubled vision. ‘Why can’t a wiper vary its speed like a blinking eye?’ he thought to himself. Kearns began experimenting and tinkering in his garage, which led to a windshield wiper modelled after the mechanism of the human eye, which works like an eyelid, blinking occasionally.

He patented his invention in 1964, and took it to Ford, who showed initial interest, but after a while, stopped answering his calls. Kearns discovered that Ford had begun to install intermittent wipers in their cars without acknowledging or paying him. He was so devastated that he had a mental breakdown and was hospitalised at a psychiatric ward, and by the time he emerged several weeks later, his red hair had turned completely white.

He sued Ford Motor Company in 1978 for patent infringement, and a twelve year legal battle ensued. In the end Kearns won, and Ford agreed to settle with Kearns for US $10.1 million. After the Ford settlement, Kearns turned his sights on Chrysler. In December 1991, he won again, and was awarded more than US$20 million. But Kearns was not content, and continued filing lawsuits, eventually against twenty-six car manufacturers and other companies. ‘I don’t think the goal was the magnitude of the money,’ Kearns tried to justify when the Ford case was ended. ‘What I saw (as) my role was to defend the patent system. If I don’t go further, there really isn’t a patent system.’

He paid a heavy price. His wife, who had initially supported him, left, saying she could not take his obsession any longer. Despite the recognition and the money, he was never satisfied with the outcomes. One of the judges who presided over five of the trials said, ‘His zeal got ahead of his judgement.’ His daughter reflected sadly, ‘His life was simply this battle.’

Kearns lived an uneasy retirement, before he died of brain cancer complicated by Alzheimer’s disease.

This can be summed  up by a saying of Confucius: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”.