Yesterday , at my brother’s terrace over barbeque lunch, I conducted a short social experiment. Their son was going back to college campus after being at home for 10 months.
I asked my brother, ‘How are you feeling about Sunny going back to college?’
“I’m happy for him”, he said.
“And how do you feel for yourself?”
“He has spent 10 months with us, that was a bonus”.
My sis-in-law’s reply was more straightforward: “I’m sad that he is going. Covid also worries me, though I know the college will take all precautions”.
And the young man in question was very direct: ‘I’m happy to be gone.”
What did my social experiment reveal? That some people have difficulty in expressing directly how they feel, like my brother. In both his answers, he didn’t (couldn’t?) say how HE felt (I’m sad, I’ll miss him, or I’m relieved, etc).
Why is it important to feel?
If we don’t acknowledge emotions (whether in your relationship with a colleague, co-founder, or a dear one) they lurk under-cover and impact you insidiously. They creep up in unconscious expressions like fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop. And leave us unable to access reason, logic, looking for alternate perspectives, which enable us to ‘stay and play’.
There is even a word for the inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions: alexithymia. The core characteristic of alexithymia is marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relation.
Integration of thoughts and feelings is intelligence.~ J Krishnamurty.
In a study of college students, researchers found that when females disclosed feeling depressed to their roommates, they received nurturance. But in response to the same kind of disclosure, the roommates of men were isolating or hostile. Our culture, unfortunately trains men to fear vulnerability.
An excerpt from an interview of a young man who was a friend of the killers of Matthew Shepard—the man who in 1998 was bludgeoned in Wyoming just because he was gay:
“If you’re telling your feelings, you’re kind of a wuss.”
“So what do you do when things hurt?”
“That’s why God created whiskey, don’t you think?”
It is oftenest through intensity of emotion that the psychic being awakens and there is an opening of the inner doors to the divine ~Sri Aurobindo.
If we want to humanize the workplace, is it important for us to be in touch with our emotions?
Is there a gender difference in the way feelings are felt and expressed?
Are millennials more in tune with their emotions- regardless of their gender?
I worked with a client a while back, who had a big conflict with his business partner.
It was agonizing for him- there were parts of him which recognized the value of the partner, and parts of him which felt enraged, belittled and bitter about her behaviour . And he also knew he couldn’t do without her. One of those love-hate-relationships.
In the coaching sessions, we worked to separate and recognize the feelings, thoughts, sensations so that he could unhook himself from the external triggers. Some of the things my client identified about himself: he didn’t draw boundaries, did not state ‘asks’ clearly, withdrew in self-doubt, was besieged with comparisons making himself alternately big and small, and emerged as angry ‘Doberman dog’ ready to bite when he felt not heard.
Empathy is described as the ability to share another person’s feelings and emotions as if they were your own even when the other is not communicating them in an objectively explicit manner.
As a coach, with my self-awareness I knew a part of me suffered in the same way, and I identified with his pain. At some level, the client is the same as me.
The danger with empathy however that I have learnt over time, is that too much identification leads to a pressure help the other. And this pressure caused me to feel at times inadequate because in spite of coaching, my client going to the same places again and again. And at times annoyance at his inability to look within at times, instead putting the blame on external events and people. (and I berated myself for not being a good enough coach afterwards).
Needless to say, all of this gets in the way of coaching and truly being there for the person.
Buddha says we have a wise self.
The role of a coach can be to remind the client to get reconnected with that center and essence; their inner buddha, their resourcefulness and wholeness, their Wise-Self, intuition, gut …whatever you want to call it…because they have all the answers. The coach doesn’t have the answers.
Zerka Moreno, the co-founder of Psychodrama said: “It is clear that I do not heal any psyches. Protagonists themselves do the healing. My task is to find and touch that autonomous healing center within, to assist and direct the protagonist to do the same. I am merely a guide in the wilderness, clearing away obstacles so protagonists can find their very own path.”
Through Psychodrama, I learnt the important difference between the important difference between Empathy and Compassion.
(Art by Gabriella Barouch)
Compassion leads to doing whatever possible to foster the release of the other’s Wise-Self rather than become the other’s healer. With compassion, you can be open-heartedly present with others without feeling the urge to change them or distance from them.
And when I drop my wish to ‘do something’, that’s where Self-presence will often release the client’s own Self.
This is the heart of the philosophy of Psychodrama – an action method developed by Jacob Levy Moreno (1889-1974) and his wife Zerka Moreno*. It uses role playing and dramatisation techniques to explore the energy enclosed within emotions, dreams and conflicts in order to release the creative and spontaneous self. “Spontaneity is defined as a new response to an old situation or an adequate response to a new situation“ (Jacob Levy Moreno)
Psychodrama is used both as individual and as group therapy and can effectively improve communication and work performance within organisations.
Psychodrama also trains us to turn the lens within, so that we notice when the clients needs and identities are getting entangled with the needs of the coach- and the process of staying clear of that. In short, it is about being compassionately present without having the need to ‘do’ or ‘heal’ or ‘empathise’.
If you want to understand how Psychodrama can turbocharge your coaching practice, see details of a year-long diploma on ‘Psychodrama Coaching Practitioner’ from Vedadrama; and contact us for a two-day workshop on ‘Coaching through Psychodrama’ in January 14-15 2021.
Rohan aspired to promotion at Senior Director level.
His commitment to excellence, growth and clarity about contribution to the company’s bottom line was evident. In the last couple of years, he had work long and hard, and developed a unique analytical product to build the block chain system in the company.
And yet, when there was an opportunity for promotion to Senior Director, he was not selected. He feels disappointed, betrayed and bitter.
His manager had told him: ‘Rohan, this is a no-brainer. You are the right guy for this, and you’ll make it’. Then there was an organizational change, and the manager relocated.
He went over that ugly but polite conversation several times in his head.
Over an 8am zoom call, his new manager emotionlessly told him: ‘We have decided to hire an external person for the position of Senior Director’.
Rohan: I’m surprised to hear this. When is the person joining?
New Boss: In a month’s time. Your role in onboarding her will be invaluable.
Rohan: Yes, of course I will support her.
New Boss: Of course we are committed to your growth, and there will be opportunities.
Rohan: Yes, thank you.
Rohan feels a heaviness in his head, a ringing in his ears, his breathing becomes shallow, and for some time his spirit isn’t able to move. He feels a mixture of disbelief, despair, helplessness.
Rohan is already making plans to quit in the next 12 months, and in the meanwhile starting a side-hustle. He has disapproved of Presenteeism: Physical presence and psychological absence combined; and now its happening to him.
This trigger of unexpected disappointment has sent Rohan to a ‘Freeze’ and ‘Flight’ mode.
What is needed is for him to ‘Stay and Play’.
Ask for a meeting afterwards with the key stakeholder.
‘Why was I not considered for the promotion? I consider my self worthy of the opportunity because..
x…
y…
z…
(going prepared with a list of tangible achievements/ qualities)
While I am both disappointed and angry, I am prepared to consider a different point of view.
You may had had your reasons.
I am curious to discover what they could be; and this feedback could be useful to my growth. Perhaps I have some blind spots I will discover.’
But this action requires Self-Awareness and the ability to notice- What are my feelings? What are my response patterns of ‘flight’ or ‘fight’ in this situation?
One emotion that Rohan dare not admit to himself is anger. Anger has unfortunately acquired a bad rep, and we end up drowning in despair, but we are numb to our own anger. Fully feeling anger will give rise to aggression; and get him out of ‘victim’ (‘poor-me’ position).
Charles Darwin would have agreed. Even animals need emotions. Fear causes them to avoid predators; Anger triggers aggression that helps them protect their young, their mates, their food, and anything else necessary for the species survival. From Anger there is the possibility of the birth of Courage.
In not acknowledging his emotions fully— especially of anger, Rohan lost the opportunity to express his own point of view. He squandered his autonomy. Of taking action to impact the outcome.
The boss is left thinking: The situation is well handled. He has accepted it fine, and he’s ok to report to the new person we are bringing in.’
“The way to overcome something is not to avoid it but to move into it.”– Arnie Kozak
(I meet many Rohans in my work as a Leadership and Executive Presence Coach. They eventually learn to seize Life and their Autonomy, and find freedom and power.
The poet sage Valmiki has just completed his epic, Ramayana.
Narad, divine messenger and communicator visits him: ‘Do you know that Hanuman has also written a Ramayan?’
Valmiki is anxious- a competitor? He makes haste to the forest –Hanuman’s Ramayana is scripted on thousands of large banana leaves.
When Valmiki reads Hanuman’s text, he is touched, moved and inspired to tears. Every sentence is soaked with ‘rasa’ and ‘bhaav’ of love. He is also envious— will the world read his epic ? This seems far superior to his own.
Then Hanuman reads Valmiki’s masterpiece. It is full of scholarship and an objective description of Rama, his actions and his epoch, yet written in exquisite poetry .
Lord Rama appears and, “Both the writings are excellent and incomparable. Hanuman’s is a song drenched in emotions. Valmiki’s is a work of a poet, academic and historian. Both Bhakti yog and Gyan yog are equally important paths of enlightenment.”
Today’s work place also needs us to pay attention to both— cold facts, data, logic and rationale AND the warmth of emotions.
Sensing, recognizing, acknowledging and responding to emotions humanizes the workplace. It is the juice which connects people. Relying on only statistics, knowledge and reasoning in interactions makes us transactional and exhausted.
Emotions play a big role in our lives. There are more than 600 words in English to describe them; and 43 facial muscles to express them physically. Although human beings speak more than 6,000 languages, about 90 percent of people across different cultures have no trouble figuring out if someone is registering happiness, surprise, or disgust just by looking at the person’s face.
We are supersensitive to the slightest shift in people’s facial expressions, especially if they are registering fear or anger.
And yet, business folk are ambivalent about emotion in the workplace. At best, it is awkward and better be over quickly. At worse, it is a pollutant clouding the cold, data-driven reasoning that business supposedly runs on.
The focus remains on logic, cold data-driven reasoning: Giving instructions, Asking why/ problem solving, Measuring gaps and outcomes.
Salovey and Meyer defined Emotional Intelligence as: ‘The ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.’
Do you stop to ask: How am I feeling? What emotions can I read from the other’s micro expressions? What is the predominant emotion in the room? How can I use this information to guide my thinking and actions?
(Today is full-moon and the birth anniversary of Maharishi Valmiki.)
He is 93 years old and insists on living by himself. He is becoming more stubborn and difficult by the day.
In my weekly visits, I sometimes try to resolve an issue, such as by finding a new part-time housekeeper, because he finds fault with them, and they leave. Sometimes angry words are exchanged between him and me. He doesn’t like me telling him what’s best for him, and I’m exasperated because if he were to listen to reason (me), life would be much simpler.
When I sit in the car during the half-hour drive back home, I feel sad, helpless, even furious that he doesn’t let me help him. And ashamed that I’m not more patient with him. And somewhere buried under all this is a deep love for him.
I also know that the intensity of my emotional reaction is not ‘rational’. If an onlooker (like my husband) were to deal with the situation, he would not be so triggered. I get hooked because there is a history of (in my eyes) excessive control he exercised on me as a child and teenager.
Our driver Maru Ram, who has been with us for the last 21 years is a silent witness to the tears which roll down my cheeks. And to the shouting match in the house earlier. He offers no comment. He quietly absorbs the flailing energy. I know that he never discusses or gossips about family matters. In fact, Maru is a deeply spiritual person with weekly fasts in prayer to his family god, Hanuman.
His non-judgmental presence makes me feel anchored. It helps me find my own inner witness or ‘see-er’.
The above is an example of the nature of emotions, and their impact on our lives. They are strong energies, and they can hijack our rational thinking. And if unbridled, they have the potential to throw our actions off-course.
There are several misleading notions about emotions that exist today. As a coach, I hear people say, ‘I am too emotional. I want to control my emotions’, and on the other extreme I see people who are not in touch with their emotions. They talk, explain, rationalize, blame, describe at great length, but they avoid feeling, because it entails pain.
These notions come from commonly held judgements, which tell us that Anger, Fear, Shame, Sadness are ‘negative’ feelings, while Joy, Love, and Courage are ‘positive’ feelings. The belief says that negative emotions are inherently bad or maladaptive for our psychological well-being, and positive emotions are inherently good or adaptive. This is so decreed based on whether an emotion obstructs or enables a person’s ability to pursue goals, attain resources, and function effectively within society. Negative feelings should be controlled, we are told: overcome, avoided, transformed or healed; and positive emotions maximized.
Emotions as understood from the Natya Shastra and Yoga Sutras
However, as explained by our ancient Indian texts, emotions are not good or bad. They are just bundles of energy which move through the body. This is generally felt as sensations of contraction such as tension, or expansion such as calm. The Latin derivative for the word emotion, emotere, literally means energy in motion.
A healthy person experiences all emotions FULLY, but is able to meet the next situation without any residue.
According to Natya Shastra, said to be written by Bharatmuni a few thousand years back, there are nine Rasas (juice or essence). The Navrasas are Anger (Raudram), Fear (Bhayanakam), Sadness or Compassion (Karuna), Disgust (Bhibhatsam), Joy (Hasyam), Courage (Veeryam), Curiosity (Adbhutam), Love (Shringar), and Calm (Shantam). Love has been called as the Rasa-Raja, or the King of Emotions. The 9th rasa — Shantam or calm — is the absence of emotions from which you can witness yourself, as an observer.
The hundreds of emotions that we experience are combinations of these primary rasas. For example, jealousy is a combination of fear and anger. Depression is a combination of sadness, fear, anger, and disgust, and so on.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a term created by two researchers – Peter Salavoy and John Mayer – and popularized by Dan Goleman in his 1996 book of the same name.
EQ can be defined as the ability to recognize your emotions and that of others, and make healthy choices of action and behaviour.
For self-awareness, one useful question to ask the self several times during the day is: How am I feeling right now? The navrasas is an easy framework to refer to in this self reflection. There is an actual term for those who have difficulty in indentifying and naming their feelings- alexithymia.
How to deal with emotions
When emotions arise, we usually either anaesthetise ourselves (by drinking, eating, shopping, binge-watching Netflix, etc), or are swept away in its force by wallowing in it (shouting, losing one’s temper, crying without restraint), or pickle ourselves in it by dwelling in related thoughts which go round and round the head.
Why do we do this? As young children, when natural impulses were expressed, we experienced reprimands, rejection, ridicule, and repression from well intentioned or ignorant caregivers and adults around us. The impressions were absorbed into our sensitive and not yet matured nervous systems which did not have the capacity to regulate the intensity of the hurt and anger. Out of the need to escape from the disorienting states of vulnerability and pain, we developed strategies of freeze, fight, fawn or fight.
What if we could instead engage with the emotion by ‘doing nothing’, but just watching and following with curiosity the sensations arising? By simply being aware of sensations such as heated skin, shortness of breath, tight jaw and face muscles, the gripping intestines. And what if into this non-evaluative curiosity, we brought in a loving embrace, a warm holding, a relentless self-care?
This form of ‘doing nothing’ and simply observing and allowing these feelings to flow is key to self care. It means we are not fixing or changing, or allowing their presence to decide our self worth, or dwelling on the story of ‘why’ or finding someone to blame. It means a commitment to acknowledge the inner parts of us which erupt because they have been shamed, banished and discarded in the past.
As J. Krishnamurthy said, ‘The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence’. This observation is kind and neutral, unlike the judgement that usually accompanies our emotions. When we feel angry or jealous or fearful, there is shame accompanying the emotions, as a voice inside says, ‘you are a bad person for feeling so, it’s pathetic that you can’t control yourself’.
Photo credit: Dank Memes
When we enter the world of emotions, its not easy at first, as staying with unpleasant emotions can be painful.
However, when we simply allow ourselves to feel the emotions in a presence of love and empathy, we encode a new circuitry of slowly finding back our inner emotional regulator – and the painful intensity starts diminishing as we start to self modulate our reactions to the external world. Then we find ourselves on our way back to our ‘home’- to the majestic vastness of who we are in essence- at ease, loving and flowing.
Emotions will always come, whether it is when I visit my father and have a disagreement with him, or you clash with a colleague who is throwing an axe in your wheel, or a boss who doesn’t listen because he thinks he knows better. But if we connect with our inner ‘observer’ who witnesses without judgement, the emotion or the energy in motion will move on. And then you access your inner ‘driver’ you will have the resources and the drive to meet the next situation or act upon your goals to reach the next step.
(This article, written by the author, originally appeared in ‘Kaustubham’, Human Resource Management and Labour Relations Journal of TISS, 2019)
You have asked me (and I quote your email): ‘What should I do with my competitive behaviour. In a team- I want to be the best. The feeling is similar to being 1st in the class. In fact throughout my high school and Engineering, I was either 1st or 2nd in class.
However in real life, this behaviour sometimes makes me less productive and prevents collaboration with others. I would appreciate it if you could give me some suggestions – either via an online session or email if possible.
Well. Here goes.
First, congratulations in seeing so clearly a part of yourself which many people dare not touch. Most of us run away from looking into the mirror when we find something unpleasant or undesirable. Its also called: our psychological or personal “Shadow”, which comprises of those qualities, impulses, and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see and thus cast into the hidden domain of ourselves. It takes courage to call out a quality in the self, which is normally looked down upon by society.
The Psychodrama session which we did in our last meeting— while it was about your difficulty in ‘speaking up’ a point of view which you believe was in the best interests of the organization, especially in the presence of ‘authority figures’ ; it unearthed another topic— of your competitive self which gets triggered, which was until now buried in the unconscious. This is also the power of Psychodrama.
In this role-play, where you were the protagonist, we called on ‘stage’ group members to play these two roles: the boss and the boss’ boss. As we explored the tension between you and your boss (ofcourse there are organization politics all the time), and your diffidence in sharing your view point, we understood that to get out of ‘Freeze Mode’ requires giving up the need to be right, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and risks.
And as the enactment explored not only external behavior, but also ‘inner’ aspects, such as unspoken thoughts and feelings, fantasies of what others might be feeling and thinking, you discovered an unspoken competition between you and your boss (who is almost your age) which was coming in the way of building a healthy relationship, which in turn was impacting the way the project was moving forward.
As you know, in Psychodrama, we don’t ‘advise’, but offer a ‘sharing’.
The fact is that competitiveness is one of my ‘demons’ too. Demons don’t entirely go away, even after addressing them. They have a habit of visiting again, but with an impact of decreasing intensity, as we start recognizing them.
At a recent meeting with peers, this popped up again. I found myself getting annoyed with the lack of structure, and discussion which was skidding out of (my) area of relevance and interest as per the broadly defined agenda.
I am so used to leading groups that I wished that I could have just cut across the ‘bumph’ and moved on. That’s what I do in my groups. I let things roll for a while, and then step-in and ask: Guys, what is really happening here?
But I was uncomfortable in voicing this in a peer group.
Because there are inevitable comparisons and competition in a peer group- Who occupies how much space? Who is more senior/ better/ more competent even among equals? And this comparison coexists with the anxiety of wanting to be accepted by the group. And this anxiety creates a dilemma: Should I speak up? Or stay silent?
Speaking up means ruffling feathers and risking making myself unlikable.
Staying silent means killing my authenticity- and my interest and enthusiasm dies out.
These realizations make me feel uncomfortable. But ‘Presence’ is being comfortable with the discomfort.
Some things which help me are:
–Know your triggers -Who sets you off? When?
–Notice your body signals: the heart pounding, the breathing becoming shallow. Attend to these with a gentle compassion.
–Challenge yourself by engaging with the situation fully instead of going into withdrawal mode.
–Find something to appreciate in the person you are feeling competitive with. Say it aloud to them. This will help you to say your piece, but in a relational way.
–The brain is getting fired up with these signals. Use it to bring energy in the room. Your (different) point of view can bring value to the topic, and help improve the quality of the outcome.
–Even if afterwards (post meeting) you realize that you were not able to present your ‘wise self’, do it afterwards in a 1:1 conversation.
–And finally, don’t worry about expressing yourself in a ‘perfect way’. If there are ruffled feathers, and you don’t come out in your best, polished way, you’ll deal with it later.
A while ago, I completed my fellowship with Sumedhas. A journey of 5 years of a deep personal enquiry into oneself and the human context: Who am I? Where am I? Where am I going? culminated in becoming a facilitator in a process work group.
We celebrated ‘Crossing the Threshold’ —of knowing and feeling into the arrival of my ‘home’ a space of freedom and creative power. It was a beautiful Sumedhian ritual where we were welcomed by senior role holders of Sumedhas. I was reminded of the words from Blessing the Threshold by Jan Robin Richardson:
And now that you are here this blessing can hardly believe its good fortune that you have finally arrived, that it can drop everything at last to fling its arms wide to you, crying welcome welcome welcome.
I found a very apt metaphor used by German philosopher Nietzsche – who had a profound belief in the possibilities of human beings— to describe growth in four stages (which I could say is my story): sheep, camel, lion, and finally child.
The first stage is that of sheep: the concern of being part of the herd, governed by the anxiety of being ‘liked’, of fitting in. A quiet and comfortable life, no surprises, a reliance on the shepherd (authority) to show what is good for us… But there is a restlessness: There is something more to life?
As seekers, we push to the next stage— the camel: to discover we are carrying the burden of what others have told us. These “burdens” are other’s world-views imposed on us. Instead of the difficult questioning of our own meaning and existence, we swallow beliefs about: religion, prejudices, gender norms, even the meaning of success, my self-worth. Even while we go about performing duties and responsibilities, we realize our happiness lies in finding approval from others. There is a suffocation from which we want release.
This yearning leads us to the possibility and search of the lion within. Nietzsche writes in this phase we fight the dragon called ‘should and musts’ we have swallowed; “you must be a doctor”, “you must worship this deity”, “you must work hard but be invisible” and more, telling us how to live and who to be. Becoming alive to these starts a fine attunement to the self— We start listening to the inner voice and feelings, and trusting the impulse to take action— rather than a blind belief I what we have been told. We find a relationship with the larger picture – of being part of something bigger than myself. And because the guidance comes from within, there is a power to that clarity and call to action.
Having acquired active control of its life, the lion then overcomes its attachment to self, metamorphosing into a child, who symbolizes spontaneity, creativity, and playfulness. This is how the human spirit matures. “The child is innocence and forgetfulness, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelling wheel, a first motion, a sacred Yes.” We find our own values, to take the risks to know what we want from life and create it.
(sketch from http://endocentric.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-camel-lion-and-child.html)
This allegorical imagery resonated with me…and while I cannot say that I have reached the stage of the lion and the child, I know of its existence and have tasted it sometimes, and it’s a good feeling. And I owe a good part of it to the journey I undertook with Sumedhas. (click to know more)
It also makes me think:
In organizations, what is the culture that we as leaders are creating?
While we talk of wanting people down the line to take ownership and be accountable, are we really comfortable in growing lions— who exercise self-authorization, confront organizational problems, both within groups and among groups, in contrast to “sweeping problems under the rug”and take initiative in their hands, who take risks and are answerable to the big picture even while finding collaborative solutions to problems.
Or do we prefer camels, who are diligent, obedient and hard workers?
Or better still, sheep who do exactly as told.
In our country in the current conflict, are we capable of seeing through the dogma of the differences between the two religions that is being fed to us for political gain which we are accepting as camels. And find our higher truth based on love of humanity as Lions. Are we capable of differentiating between leadership that is inspiring and uniting instead of pushing and dividing? A leadership that focuses on love and care, concern and compassion, healing and forgiveness, dignity and empathy, service and development of self and others.
……………………………….……………………………………………………………………….
Get in touch with us if you want to create Lions in your organization, who give a mighty battle roar, “I will!” and take initiative in their hands. We are Organization Development change agents who enable growth through coaching and transformative workshops in Emotional Intelligence.
When I talk of the ‘Art of Dying’, it is not a literal idea. It is not a matter of dying physically, but of a metaphor whose central idea is to let our ego die.
We can say the ego is a view of ourselves, which we have derived from our set of experiences, accumulations, analysis and memories. It carries all our prejudices and distortions and is formed by a limited and partial perception of reality, which prevents us from fully understanding ourselves and others behind the veil of judgements, evaluations and conditions defined by the world.
We are meeting in Goa for our 40th reunion …from the year of our joining BITS Pilani. There is excitement, and at the same time, I’m also asking myself the question: ‘What am I doing here?’. For in our original batch of 400 ‘boys’ and 20 ‘girls’ the representation in Goa is 50 men and 2 women— just Vandana and me. The girls and boys didn’t interact much in our time— the relationship was binary. Either there was a romantic involvement, or nothing. The in-between option didn’t exist, like hanging around as friends.
So there is a mild anxiety—How will we relate to each other? There has not been much interaction in these 40 years— between the boys and the girls—except for an odd few professional exchanges.
But I know intuitively this is an important milestone, and something significant is waiting to be discovered, so here I am.
The first glimpse of it is visible when we meet in the afternoon for the round of introductions. The question that is generally asked at reunions ‘What do you do?’ is replaced by ‘What did you do in your last job?’ for many of us.
Yes, we have to reckon with the transition we are going through in life— we have worked for 35 years; we are in our late fifties. Often when small groups of college mates have met in the past, the unvoiced (or voiced) question that is discussed is: Who are the most successful from our batch? Who ‘made it’? Who were the surprises? Etc etc. Part of the debate could be defining and redefining the criteria of ‘success’.
But that question is no longer valid.
We are having to contend with the transition from a life of Achievement and Success in the outer world to the dreaded R-Word, of Retirement, where the invitation is to go inwards- to Contemplation and Inner Search.
When I talk of the ‘Art of Dying’, it is not a literal idea. It is not a matter of dying physically, but of a metaphor whose central idea is to let our ego die.
We can say the ego is a view of ourselves, which we have derived from our set of experiences, accumulations, analysis and memories. It carries all our prejudices and distortions and is formed by a limited and partial perception of reality, which prevents us from fully understanding ourselves and others behind the veil of judgements, evaluations and conditions defined by the world.
It is the same Ego which with some annoyance notices my roommate and I are the few people who have been given a room without a balcony in the beautiful resort in Goa which the organizing committee has selected for our stay. Which concludes to: hmmm. I am less important than the others who got room with a balcony; Where do we dry clothes after our dip into the sea? But it is a momentary glitch: we say, ‘Never mind about that, let’s go down and join the gala evening’.
As we meet, interact, beyond the exchange of biographies— the mandatory starting point of which is the mundane question ‘What do your children do?’ We go beyond that and have deeper conversations of the meaning of life, of what makes us truly happy. There is an attempt of knowing the person behind the Vice President who made it/ who is still in the running/ or didn’t make it. There is a softening in our interactions, beyond the labels which had got into the way of the heartfelt connections which we all wanted, but were unable to make.
And in all these realizations I am helped by my roommate for the two days—she is so chilled out that nothing much disturbs her. She just has a good laugh about everything and doesn’t take herself seriously. I marvel at the synchronicity that has arranged for our stay together, and my delight in rediscovering her after so many years.
I realize it is the same ego which made me decide not to wear the BITS T-shirt for the group photo- because in my vanity I felt it would make me look fat.
So the answer to my question: ‘What am I doing here?’ is to celebrate the dying of the ego. Which allows us to joyously celebrate every moment as it arrives. And to reclaim some friendships which we couldn’t make during our 4 years of stay at our magnificent campus.
Perhaps the divide occurred in the first place because we had fixed notions of how the girls should be treated by the boys, and vice-versa.
It is to notice that the room without the balcony doesn’t matter because I can open our hotel room window and hang the clothes out to dry in the sun; which I discover only in the morning we have to leave.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Contact us if you have teams in your organization that are separated by divides of egos and fixed notions; and there is a need to build bridges of communication and understanding beyond labels and judgements.
The job of a coach is not to reach somewhere; display her prowess; to hurry her coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.
Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that the martial arts practitioner requires both the study of fighting techniques and the development of spirituality. And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind- equally applicable in coaching:
1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations
When I am coaching or facilitating, my desire to help clients see their blind spots, and find completion is immense. How I long for them to find their wholeness, their inner freedom, so that they can connect with their ease and greatness.
I can see their limiting behaviour patterns so clearly.
For example:
Poonam is so intent on being the good employee, the good daughter-in-law, the good wife, that she is feeling squeezed, claustrophobic. In the 2nd or 3rd coaching session, the tears don’t stop as she acknowledges the automation of her life, she is running on a program set by others. In the process, a part of her soul has been lost, and the grief is about the loss, the stuckness. Part of her journey is about setting boundaries.
Rukmini is struggling to learn to garner support at work. To protect herself, her learnt behaviour is that of judging others. She doesn’t realize she comes across as arrogant and she has to learn humility and collaboration.
Sanjay is avoiding the human encounter—which requires him to have difficult conversations with his vendors, subordinates and superiors. In being reasonable, polite and soft, he is avoiding his task as a leader- to communicate consequences of behaviours and deliverables not aligned with organization.
But this longing to help becomes the biggest hindrance to becoming an effective coach.
Because in coaching, and as in life, to imagine that I am to ‘reach somewhere’ or to ‘lead the other somewhere’ is the biggest fallacy.
Bruce Lee in his book, ‘The Tao of Jeet Kune Do’, states that his style of fighting, called Jeet Kune Do, requires both the study of martial arts techniques and the development of spirituality.
And the engagement requires three principles to be kept in mind:
1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the fight
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations .
I find that in a good coach or facilitator, exactly the same principles are valid.
1. Stop anticipating the outcome of the coaching conversation
Bruce Lee constantly asserted that one of the biggest mistakes a fighter can make is to anticipate the outcome of the fight:
“Do not think about winning or losing, do not think about pride and pain. (…)You should not think about whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your weapons will be used at the right time.”
My psychodrama teacher Dr Jochen Becker-Ebel has always said, the coach (or trainer) has to empty herself in the process of facilitation. If the interaction becomes fraught with coach’s anxiety about proving her brilliance, or demonstrating her ability to bring up startling insights, or about end-results, the session is about the coach , and not the coachee.
While the coach has to be fully present to the minutest of signals and responses from the coachee, which become the cues for the conversation to move forward, and she has to be constantly training to sharpen her skills, but in the session itself she has to let the ‘ego die’. It means to act like a “wooden puppet: she has no ego, she thinks of nothing, she is not greedy or attached to anything or anyone.”
“Desiring is a bond. ‘Desiring not to desire’ is also a bond. To be detached, then, means to be free, at the same time, of both, positive and negative. That is to be simultaneously ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ which is intellectually absurd. But not in Zen.” Lee writes.
2. Forgetting about all that is known by knowledge
As per the guidance given by Lee for martial arts practitioners: “The skill and knowledge attained must be forgotten so that you can float comfortably in the void without blockages. Learning is important, but do not let yourself be enslaved. (…) Any technique, however valuable and desirable, becomes a disease when the mind becomes obsessed with it”.
There are many skills and techniques taught in coaching—one can use for example: psychodrama; dialogue between the protagonist and antagonist using the empty chair; realtio-gram where the client puts on the table different objects from the room which represent the people involved in his dilemma to get a picture of how each element is connected to the other; voice dialogue; NLP, etc.
But while meeting a client, our work is to be present. To be receptive. To experience. To be able to be there.
In essence, I like this quote attributed to Jung: “Learn your theories as best you can, but lay them aside when you touch the miracle of the human soul.”
What Bruce Lee says of Jeet Kune Do is exactly true for coaching. “…all techniques must be forgotten and the unconscious must be in charge of dealing with the situation. The technique will be displayed automatically or spontaneously. To move with totality, not to have technique, is to have all the techniques.”
3. Flow freely in the present, the here and now; and discard any past memories and future expectations
A good coach meets her clients afresh; without notions about what the person was before; allowing herself to be surprised in every meeting.
“To express yourself freely, you must forget yesterday. From the ‘old’ you get security. ‘New’, you gain fluidity.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti, who greatly influenced Bruce Lee, held this view: “Desire is always of the future; the desire to become something is the inaction of the present. Now is more important than tomorrow. All time is the now, and to understand the now is to be free of time.”
So in essence, my job as a coach/ facilitator is not to reach somewhere; display my prowess; to hurry my coachees; or even ‘help’ them. It is to trust their own soul’s urgency for growth which will lead them to finding their highest potential. This encounter, the very heart of coaching, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people, one (generally, but not always, the patient) more troubled than the other.
………………………………….…………………………………………………………
If you like this approach, which is taught in our Psychodrama Certification program, it will help in bringing new spontaneous and creative attitudes to your coaching and facilitating practice. Or if you would like your executives to be coached, leaving them incharge of their own growth.
(Art by Gabriella Barouch)
